The One Thing Missing and How to Get It
Happiness is a feeling that arises as a spontaneous side-effect of agreeable circumstances. Rarely do we have control over our circumstances.
The face we present to the world is not the face of our deepest being. All our lives we look out at the world. We look to the world. We look for things in the world, food, sex, comfort, treats, rewards. From the time we are children, we forage for the next good thing.
We do not know what it might be, but are certain it is near. It is colorful, glittering, delicious, and it must be ours. This is our expectation. Our hope. Our longing.
All the while we are looking through this face as if it were a window. To get what we want, we present to the world the face that will achieve this. But the human face is readable by anyone who looks close enough. Look at your own face in the mirror. Do you see the face? Can you read what is underneath? Of course you can. And so can others.
To understand what is missing in our lives first think about this basic problem. Under that face in the mirror, behind the windows you look through, the real you waits. You don’t want to show that real you because you believe it is fearful. It is weak.
It is nervous, regretful, and, at times, lonely and empty. It can be wrong. You hide because of the belief that you do not measure up. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. This feeling drives you back to the search for anything that might bring comfort. It fuels our inherent need to forage.
Our genetic disposition to forage was key to our survival 10,000 years ago. Today, the focus of the foraging has changed. No longer do we need to forage for food here in the developed world. Yet that prehistoric drive is still there, built into our cells.
This creates a psychological hunger. More to the point, in the modern world we have more time to indulge this psychological hunger. So, we forage through the world to fill that hunger.
This is a big problem because there is a disturbing little secret in this habitual search. Everyone knows what the secret is but no one wants to admit it. Here it is. Fulfillment of desires is never lasting. It only and always leads to disappointment. Hunger drives us to forage for food. We eat. We get hungry again. Psychological hunger produces the same result without the benefit of physical nourishment.
Now, can you see The Problem? Is it the foraging for things to make us happy? Is it the disappointment of finding these things unsatisfactory? Is it the false face we present to the world? Is it the fears? Is it the feelings of inadequacy? None of these.
The Problem is acting from a fear of inadequacy. You have given credence to deep-seated fears. You have let these fears set the cycle of foraging and dissatisfaction in motion. You have acted for the wrong reasons. The fear not the problem. The hunger is not the problem. The action is the problem.
What would happen if you did not act upon those feelings?
You say, “I want to get rid of the feelings. They make me uncomfortable and miserable. I need something to make me feel better. Something out there in the world should help. Food, sex, clothing, drink…something!” The idea that the world is full of goodies that will make us happy is a dangerous perspective that leads to sorrow.
It seems hopeless. There is still something missing. But at least we are beginning to understand the problem. The problem is, if you seek a remedy in the world to unwanted feelings you will not find happiness. Why? As trite as it may sound, happiness comes from within.
“That doesn’t tell me much”, you say. “Okay, so happiness comes from within. So, am I supposed to will myself to be happy? Ridiculous. I can not will myself to be happy! Otherwise, I would already be happy.”
Happiness is a feeling that arises as a spontaneous side-effect of agreeable circumstances. Rarely do we have control over our circumstances.
Yet, happiness and a sense of well-being can also arise as a spontaneous effect of one other thing. Something that we can practice. It is the missing thing in your life that we speak of in the headline of this article. And, you can get it. I can get it. We all can get it.
Equanimity. It is a rare state of calmness, composure, serenity and tranquility. It is the one thing we are missing. Equanimity is something we can practice and nurture. Out of equanimity emerges a sense of well-being. It’s not don’t worry, be happy. It’s don’t worry, be equanimous.
How do we achieve this wonderful thing we call equanimity? Again there is a problem in the way. Like the previous problem, it arises from wrong thinking. See the error of our thinking and be free to be equanimous.
Here is the error of our individual thinking. The error is thinking we have power over the world, that we have control, and that the world gives a damn.
In fact, we have little power over the world, we have less control, and the world could not care less.
Do not be sad, this is a great and liberating realization. You see, it isn’t up to us as individuals to solve the problems of others. It isn’t up to us as individuals to take on the blame or the price of things that happen out in the world.
Look upon the crazy changes of your life and the life of others with a calm regard, understanding that this is life. Life changes. Things happen. Life does what it will. We are the ones who have to be flexible always, and adapt to it.
Now, does this mean we are to be passive and not care? Should there be no action at all? Should we also not give a damn? No, it does not mean that.
It is clear that if a situation requires our action then it is our obligation to perform it. But only perform the action from a sense of calm, not guilt. Not from a belief it’s our chance to be heroic, but of a desire to be of service. Not from a point of view that we must prove our adequacy, but from competence.
Not to show fearlessness, but kindness. Act with a clear head from the place of composure and clarity we have created within ourselves.
To sum up, the thing that is missing in your life and the life of most of us is equanimity, a sense of calm abiding. It leads to a sense of well-being that is better than happiness. Missing equanimity, we nurture beliefs that we must control the world. The truth is that all we need is to control our mind.
Don’t expect the negative ideas to go away at once. They won’t. They will want to linger on. But do not feed them. Develop a sense of equanimity. Do that by releasing the mistaken idea that you must control everything around you. Control your mind.
Use that inherent desire to forage by foraging for equanimity. Forage for peace. Forage for composure, serenity and tranquility. Make that the most important food you forage for. Equanimity is the colorful, glittering, delicious thing that will be ours.
Only then can the face you present to the world be the face of your deepest being.
“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can’t control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Note: Meditation, yoga, or a body relaxation technique will help calm the mind. Foster equanimity from a calm mind. If your mind refuses to calm down at all then consider finding a teacher. Get professional medical help if you suffer from depression or feel out of control. Depression medications are available from any doctor. Do not hesitate to use them as a starting point for calming fears and developing equanimity.
😃 You may like “How to Be Happy Painting Big Like Artist John Singer Sargent” and “Here’s Why Painters Should Absolutely Never Paint What They See”. View my paintings. Watch my Youtube videos on How to Paint Plein Air.
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